On New Year’s eve 1899, in Lithuania the grandparents of psychologist Lester Luborsky,
and their neighbors symbolically crossed a bridge, and said, “Happy New Year! Thank God
that terrible century is over.”
That year Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands and Tsar Nicholas II of Russia convened a Hague
International Peace Conference to address laws of war. Both heads of states and citizens, aware of
our capacity for evil, made symbolic and political gestures to address the gravity of their time.
In 1899, people could never have imagined the extent of the cruelty that would follow in the bloodiest
century in history, with civilian deaths increasing from 5% in World War I to about 95% in
current conflicts. One hundred years later, in 1999, 8000 people met from civil society and
governments at the Hague Appeal for Peace to explore ways to abolish war.
War, and now terrorism, have become more lethal with each generation. In a world with weapons
of mass destruction, this cycle of escalation leads to unthinkable consequences. September 11
has awakened us to our collective vulnerability. Responding with military expansion is more likely
to increase terrorism and cycles of violence . The US is provoking a new nuclear arms race and the
weaponization of outer space. It is urgent that we address the root causes of violence and respond
in ways that increase global security.
Healing regional conflicts is a matter of global security. Social sciences must be employed
to replace war with proven effective nonviolent forms of force. Bodies of knowledge in political
psychology and conflict transformation are hardly recognized or applied. We need a paradigm shift
from military fundamentalism, towards psychologically informed interventions that address and
correct the sources of violence.
Perpetual suffering, failure to heed cries for help, unresolved grief, humiliation, oppression,
poverty, assaults on identity and dignity, the emotional charge of “chosen traumas” and the
manipulation of the image of the enemy , all sew seeds and fuel violent eruptions. Simplistic,
shortsighted, superficial, and psychologically ignorant military solutions deepen cycles of
violence, and provoke terrorism, a form of asymmetrical warfare
Albert Einstein said, “There’s been a quantum leap technologically in our age, but unless there’s
another QUANTUM LEAP IN HUMAN RELATIONS, unless we learn to live in a new way towards one another,
there will be a catastrophe.”
To make a QUANTUM LEAP IN HUMAN RELATIONS, we must use a collective psychotherapeutic approach and work deeply and fully with psychic forces involved in suffering, trauma, humiliation, identity, nationalism, conflict, guilt, responsibility, fear, vengeance, and gender.
It is possible to intercept cycles of violence and transform them into cycles of healing by promoting counterviolent social processes. In contradistinction to nonviolence, counterviolent measures create conditions that reduce tension and correct root causes.
When one receives a bodily wound, a healing process is set in motion. We are designed to heal
naturally, under necessary conditions. Optimal conditions facilitate healing, without which healing
is slowed or prevented. The wound can worsen. Infections can occur, leading to serious problems
including death. A healing environment and attention from caretakers is required.
There is a formula. The trauma must be over. The wound must be recognized, understood, and
appropriate measures taken. Wounds must be cleaned. Some bleeding allows cleansing. Too much
is fatal. Air and sunlight help. The wound must be protected. A scab may form. If the scab i
s picked before the wound heals, a new scab will form. When the wound heals, the scab will fall
off by itself. Broken bones must be set and protected. Rest and nutrition nourish the body. Attention,
social support, loving care, and prayer have salutary effects.
When healing is complete, the person is not necessarily restored to their previous condition.
Some may require special equipment, a change in lifestyle, the development of compensatory
abilities. When broken bones mend, they become stronger. Some change their life’s path,
find meaning, make use of their suffering. In the best case scenario, some reach a state of
transcendence, which integrates the experience of trauma, recovery, and the source.
Recovery from interpersonal violence is more complicated than recovery from natural disasters.
Trauma caused by cruelty requires extensive measures designed with thoughtfulness and creativity.
Ethnopolitical violence often involves massive losses, betrayal, violation, humiliation, physical
trauma, rage, grief, and radical upheaval, over a prolonged period of time. Comprehensive healing
processes address the depth, extent, and quality of the wounds. Healing is physical, material,
symbolic, psychological, social, occupational, spiritual, environmental, and political.
Certain elements consistently appear in different cultures. Beginning with the Nuremberg Trials,
subsequent tribunals, truth commissions, reparation programs, rituals, monuments, and memorials
have emerged. Ancient rituals were designed to alleviate suffering and to help enemy groups coexist
after violent conflict. Dr. Merle Friedman , a South African psychologist studying the South Africa’s
Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC), formulated the proposed model, which she compared with the
Chilean model and the South African Model.
This pattern appears in a chapter on forgiveness in Resilient Adults: Overcoming a Cruel Past,
by Gina O’Connell Higgins.’ Her subjects, adults with brutal childhoods who have achieved success
in love and work, described the conditions under which they would forgive their perpetrators as the
three R’s of restitution: recognition, remorse, and reparation.” p.298
These components appear in Judaism, as essential requirements to change one’s fate, as political
processes are intended to change a country’s fate. The “U'nataneh Tokef” prayer, said on Yom Kippur,
the holiest day of the year, shows how we can influence our fate. Through "Tefilah (prayer), Teshuva,
(repentance, turning inward, apologizing) and tzedakah (righteousness, “making right” charity,
reparations) one can avert the severity of the judgment. Synoptically, clinical, anthropological,
political, and religious data reveal an archetypal pattern.
The Structure and Dynamics of Repair: Victims, Perpetrators, and Bystanders
Each dimension of Friedman’s model, acknowledgement (truth), apology and reparation (justice),
involves victims, perpetrators, and bystanders (or descendents or representatives of their groups,
or a sanctioning authority) to account for the past and set the record straight.
Goals of healing are not only for victims, but also for perpetrators, bystanders, and descendents of
all. We must find creative ways to address accountability and responsibility for egregious actions.
The difficult awareness of complicity, culpability, and shame often provoke denial and distortions of
facts, often blaming victims to justify actions and reconcile cognitive dissonance. Denials and
distortions hurt victims and impede healing. Sophisticated interventions can be designed to
address the psychological resistance of the dominant groups, to enable them to tolerate bearing
witness to the suffering of the oppressed groups. The ability of members of the dominant group to
simply bear witness to the suffering of the victims, to receive their experience fully, can be
transformative.
South Africa’s TRC recognized the complexities of culpability in it’s goal of reconciliation.
Realizing that punishing perpetrators was an impediment, they made a creative compromise in which
some justice was sacrificed for the sake of truth, a higher priority. Perpetrators were offered
amnesty in exchange for full disclosure. In a complex situation fraught with danger, this seemed
to be a workable compromise. In Friedman’s estimation, the TRC was a success politically, but not
psychologically in many cases. It was healing for some and hurtful for others. It was designed by
political and religious leaders (not psychologists), with agendas of reconciliation and forgiveness.
Psychological input in future designs could fine-tune the process to yield even better results.
Victims feel rage and contempt for bystanders, who were complicit by their silence and benefit from
privilege. Adults who were sexually abused are often enraged at the nonabusive parent. Sometimes
victims of conflicts even kill members of the press who are witnessing their oppression and not
fixing it. Sometimes rage against bystanders is even stronger than towards the perpetrators, because
they could have done something to stop the oppression. John F. Kennedy liked this quote Dante’s
inferno: “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in the face of a moral crisis,
maintained their neutrality.”
Ervin Staub, child survivor of the Holocaust and political psychologist has focused on the
transformation of passive bystanders to active bystanders in preventing violence and genocide.
Bystanders may feel guilty, and may be reluctant to face the past. Bystanders who can contribute
to the collective healing process in some way, by apologizing for their complicity, bearing witness,
or doing community service, can act as representatives and promote collective healing. Training,
consciousness raising and promotion of bystander intervention can be a powerful source of repair.
Conscious Evolution - Time Doesn’t Heal Wounds, People Do
Those who glibly say, “Get over it. Put the past behind you. It’s time to move on”, likely have
not experienced the degree of suffering that grips many and generates a non-negotiable urge for
the truth and justice. These statements reflect psychological ignorance. A woman from Cambodia
whose family was killed under the Pol Pot regime, spoke at the Hague Appeal for Peace and said, “
People say this happened 20 years ago, but for us, 20 years ago is like yesterday.” Blaming the
victim for continued suffering adds insult to injury, literally. We have a collective responsibility
to help victims release from past trauma. It doesn’t go away by itself with time.
From an evolutionary perspective, “getting over it” and “moving on” does not serve humanity. I
t requires no change in the perpetrator, bystanders, or society, and allows the perpetuation
of perpetration that threatens the survival of the species. Let’s consider that it is adaptive t
o hold on to trauma, for it to “remain alive”, and to demand a response until certain conditions
are met. It is part of our design. Let’s consider that this might be a psychic law that is not
only for the benefit of the victims, but also for the collective.
Perpetrators and bystanders need to hold truth and offer justice, for their own sakes, as much
as the victims need to receive it. If humanity is to emerge from perpetual cycles of violence,
all parties need to engage in deliberate, complementary acts of self-correction and transformation.
This model of repair adds to previous models maximize healing and ending cycles of violence.
After presenting the model, I will elaborate on some components in depth, and address the controversy
over forgiveness.
The Healing-Repair Model
Stage 1 - SAFETY
- The conflict must be over, and the dangerous, oppressive situation terminated
- New social institutions emerge to insure safety
Stage 2 - TRUTH
- Recognition and validation of what actually happened
- Accurate recording of historical narrative, testimonials, archives
Stage 3 – BEARING WITNESS
- Acknowledging, receiving, and containing the totality of the victim’s experience with compassion
- Tribunals, Truth Commissions for international recognition
Stage 4 – ATONEMENT
- Acceptance of responsibility by dominant group
- Reflection, soul- searching, coming to grips with past actions
- Repentance
Stage 5 – APOLOGY
- Apology to victims
- Vindication, release from shame and humiliation caused by victimization
- Admission of feelings remorse on the part of perpetrators or their group
- Request for forgiveness, which changes victim status, since they can accept or reject.
This empowers victims and actually liberates them from the victim position.
Stage 6 – JUSTICE
- Prosecution and incarceration, when appropriate
- Restorative justice when possible – allow perpetrators and bystanders to
participate in reparative activities, such as community service
- Compensatory justice, affirmative action
- Symbolic justice
- No death penalty or punitive measures beyond incarceration that would reduce
the dignity of the former victims
Stage 7 – RESTITUTION, REPARATION, and COMPENSATION
- Restitution of equal rights and status
- Compensations for losses
- Improvement in material-financial conditions that allow a decent quality of life
- Symbolic gestures, acknowledging responsibility and desire to make good
Stage 8 - MEMORIALS, RITUALS, MONUMENTS, MUSEUMS
- Public space for remembering
- Days of remembrance, public time and events
Stage 9 TRANSFORMATION REDEMPTION
- Some former perpetrators do penance or some redemptive activity, such as community service.
- Some former victims rededicate themselves to contribute to the process of repair
- Promote transformation of society
Stage 10 – REBIRTH, RENEWAL
- New forms political forms, sovereignty, representation, statehood
- Improved outlook, hope for the future
- Results show that suffering was not in vain
VERIDO -The Instinctual Drive for Truth and Justice
In clinical experience and political phenomena we see that the urge for truth is
so powerful that people are willing to risk exile, imprisonment, loss of money, jobs,
freedom, reputation, friends, and even life. I have coined the term Verido, like Libido,
referring to an instinctual drive for truth and justice. It is experienced as a physiological,
rather than a cognitive process, as people feel “physically” unable to tolerate untruths.
As mentioned, the need for truth is so non-negotiable that South Africa’s TRC was willing
to sacrifice some justice for truth.
Telling, witnessing, and recording the truth is a deeply internal, highly relational,
and collective political experience. What is healing is how the truth is processed interpersonally
and politically.
People feel relief when the truth of their experience is out, and violation when it is denied.
There is even a law in Canada prohibiting the denial of the Holocaust . Survivors who are
interviewed after decades often experience healing and gratitude for having their experience
understood, validated, made sense of, and accurately recorded. The political and the personal converge.
Bearing Witness to Truth
In cases where little or nothing can be done to change a situation, the mere act of bearing
witness, as described by Lifton and others, has a healing effect in and of itself. Having
another to hold painful experience with has the effect of containing the material that makes
it easier to bear.
Over the last few years, I have heard four similar stories of powerful transformation after
Israelis were able to tolerate bearing witness to the suffering of their Palestinian counterparts.
Before the Al Aksa Intifada, in dialogue groups in Israel, Palestinians wanted the Israeli Jews
to know how much they suffered. The Israelis, not wanting to face their feelings of guilt would
innocently” try to move ahead with peace and coexistence, trying to avoid witnessing Palestinian
pain, which is intolerable for them to recognize. In each of my four anecdotes (teenage girls at
the Seeds of Peace camp who were skillfully facilitated in a group process, an Israeli meditator
disciplined in listening and witnessing the suffering of a bitter Palestinian woman, an Israeli
psychologist witnessing his Palestinian counterpart, and an Israeli woman peace activist,
listening to her Palestinian colleague) the Palestinian had a powerful need for the Israeli to
receive the facts, details, and depth of their experience. In each case, the Israeli, with great
pain and difficulty was willing and able to tolerate hearing the stories, listening with compassion,
without reacting. Each of these moments was followed by relief, release, and transformation of the
relationship, energy and even joy. (I will write this up in more detail elsewhere).
These stories demonstrate the extraordinary power of bearing witness. They show that there is a
great need for training in this process, as many who would naturally avoid this, can be guided,
trained, supported, and facilitated to do this, It can be done in collective forms in the media
as well, as in President Clinton’s apology for the Tuskeegee experiments on African Americans had
a collective healing effect. Future truth commissions can further develop processes for receiving
and containing truths accordingly.
Forgiveness, Atonement and Apology Reconsidered
The Doctrine of Forgiveness
A doctrine of forgiveness is evident in popular culture, as in New Age publications,
which advertise books, tapes, and workshops on forgiveness. We are disproportionately
obsessed with forgiving, while remaining oblivious to apologizing
In my practice I have seen clients with cancer, survivors of abuse, and others torment
themselves for their inability to forgive. Therapists, clergy, and New Age gurus pressure
followers to forgive perpetrators as a requirement for healing. This adds insult and fear
to injury, suggesting that difficulty forgiving will deny the promise of healing. It is a
New Age guilt trip and places people in a "spiritual double-bind" - damned if you do, damned
if you don't. The psyche may resist unilateral forgiveness for a reason.
Earned and Unearned Forgiveness
Unlike New Age and some religious literature, the trauma literature based on deep therapeutic
experience, does not pressure people to forgive unilaterally. I have found it helpful to
differentiate between “earned or dialogical forgiveness” and “unearned or unilateral” forgiveness.
In Resilient Adults: Overcoming a Cruel Past Gina O’Connell Higgins entitled a chapter, “The
Sirens of Reflexive Forgiveness and Psychological Ignorance.” Her subjects were able to forgive
their perpetrators if they demonstrated the “three R’s of restitution: recognition, remorse, and
reparation” (p.298 ). This makes evolutionary sense.
In “The case for Not forgiving” in Psychology Today, August 1999, Jean Safer describes cases in
which the decision not to forgive made the most sense and allowed certain individuals to get on
with their lives. In the trauma literature, some consider forgiveness in the absence of remorse
a violation of the self. Forgiveness is often confused with moving ahead in one’s life.
Unearned forgiveness applies to situations in which no one is apologizing, and the truth has not
been acknowledged, and the relationship may or may not remain problematic. In these cases the
decision to forgive is more complex and controversial. From an evolutionary perspective, it is
not adaptive to forgive someone who is not accountable for his or her actions. This is why, I
hypothesize, people easily forgive after sincere apology, and resist forgiving in the absence
of recognition. Once someone has apologized, they have gone through a personal transformation
and are no longer a threat. They have become, in effect, a different person. Then it is adaptive
to forgive.
Victimology and Forgiveness
One reason forgiveness is embraced far more than apology, has to do with our preoccupation with
victimology. In forgiving, we get to be the good guys, identified with the victim position and
holding the moral high ground. In apologizing and asking for forgiveness, we are identified
with the perpetrator position. We realize that we hurt others, which can be incompatible with
our identity as a good person. The humility that comes with reclaiming difficult aspects
of our personality can be confused with humiliation.
The act of atoning and apologizing is on a higher psychological and moral plane than forgiveness.
It requires honesty with one’s self and recognition of one’s shadow. Atonement is a process that
involves inner work, soul searching, and insight that leads to interpersonal work in a process of
transformation. It includes reparation for a wrong, making amends, and in theology it is reconciliation
with God.
The Hunger for Apology
Consider the following facts:
* Fred Goldman, father of murder victim Ron Goldman, got a settlement of $5 million in the civil
suit against OJ. Simpson. He offered to give up the money for an apology.
* Asian Comfort women used as sexual slaves by the Japanese military in World War II refused a
settlement of $20,000, without acknowledgement and apology from the government.
* President Clinton’s statement on August, 17, 1998 demonstrated
1 - The overwhelming public desire for a sincere apology
2 - Clinton’s profound inability to give what the public needed, even with advice and time to prepare
3 - The outpouring of anger and disappointment from the public after Clinton’s failure, inability or
refusal to offer a believable apology
4 - The inability to move ahead when the longed-for genuine
apology did not come
* The Madres de Plaza de Mayo, the mothers of the disappeared in Argentina, split it
two groups, as one group felt that reparations alone, without an apology, were a betrayal
of the memory of the disappeared.
Obviously, apology is both intensely desired by those who feel they need it, and is abhorred
by those who refuse to give it. For some, the idea of apologizing is seen as a sign of weakness
and a violation at the core of one's being, although in fact it is a sign of strength and psychological
maturity.
Cultural Manifestations of Apology and Atonement:
Since apology is so difficult and so valuable, various traditions have developed methods of
encouraging the practice, recognizing the difficulty for people to do on their own accord.Under the
rubric of a spiritual, moral, or therapeutic authority, people are assisted and supported in engaging
in a salutary practice of spiritual, psychological, and moral purification.
A ritual in the Jewish religion requires people to apologize during the Ten Days of Repentance or
Days of Awe between Rosh HaShana, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. Jews
are asked to approach people in their lives to apologize for any wrongs they might have committed
and to ask for forgiveness. People make amends and vow never to repeat the offense. If one asks
for forgiveness three times and is refused, one is cleared and the burden is on the other. These
rituals are carefully designed to clear the slate of past wrongs between people.
This practice is psychologically sound. By reconciling with each person individually, Jews prepare
to ask God for forgiveness collectively. On Yom Kippur Jews go through long lists of specific
sins, saying “For the sin WE have committed by ....” , covering all the bases, including the
sin of xenophobia. Interpersonal clearing precedes collective atonement and divine forgiveness
and ultimately the healing, repair, and transformation of the world, known as Tikkun Olam.
According to the tradition, atonement inscribes people into the Book of Life. This is true
psychologically, as atonement helps release from past hurts, promoting vitality and new life
in relationships that may be “DEADlocked” by anger, resentment, and misunderstanding.
Interpersonal cleansing actually enhances physical health, well-being, and resilience.
The Hindu concept of karma is the law of cause and effect. Every action results in a reaction.
All of our actions and thoughts have real effects in the world, generating patterns
(good karma or bad karma) that constitute each person's life and have consequences for
others, rippling out to the collective. One can affect one’s fate by being conscious of
patterns and changing them to generate more beneficial patterns in his life.
Apology is a part of Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Step program, which requires recognizing
that one has hurt others, and apologizing to them. This is an essential part of the process
of healing oneself by healing others, and making amends for the past.
In her treatment of families with incest, family therapist Cloe Madanes includes a ritual
in which the sex abuser, in the presence of family members, gets down on his knees and apologizes
to the one whom he incested, and asks for forgiveness. This powerful ritual successfully allows
for reintegration and healing of family members, who would ordinarily be subjective to punitive
justice that can magnify family problems
“Sorry Sister” is a program started by a Black minister, in which Black men, Brothers,
apologize to the women in their churches for past mistreatment by men, collectively.
This is very powerful, and healing for both, and is spreading to many churches as a
highly successful program that allows people to move forward.
In Australia, one day a year is designated as “Sorry Day” for a collective recognition
and apology for past mistreatment of the Aboriginal people.
These processes are also akin to what Carl Jung calls "reclaiming the shadow."
Jung writes: "The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego personality,
for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort.
To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality
as present and real" (Aion, p. 8, par. 15). It does challenge our ego personality,
our concept of ourselves as good people.
Apology as Reversal of Fortune
Jung describes consciousness as a “work against nature”, an opus contra naturum.
While it may be “natural” to blame and avoid guilt and responsibility, apology is work,
a deliberate act of consciousness.
If the culture emphasized atonement more than forgiveness, it would shift the collective
discourse and collective consciousness in ways that would support processes related to
reconciliation. Apology shifts the burden of the responsibility, disproportionately borne
by the victims, to those who are responsible. Apology is more economic, as it simultaneously
releases the perpetrator and the victim.
